Article: 124421 of comp.sys.mac.apps Path: news.tuwien.ac.at!newsfeed.ACO.net!swidir.switch.ch!univ-lyon1.fr!jussieu.fr!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!news.azstarnet.com!news.cais.net!news.cais.com!scottp.cais.com!user From: scottp@cais.com (Scott Pogorelc) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.apps Subject: Win '95 Humor Date: Tue, 29 Aug 1995 20:23:45 -0400 Organization: Capital Area Internet Service info@cais.com 703-448-4470 Lines: 190 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: scottp.cais.com X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.0 Okay, so maybe this is not the appropriate place to post this, but, well, I just couldnt reist! I hope you get a chuckle out of it... <=== begin insert ===> From: aqtlc@imap1.asu.edu Organization: Arizona State University Subject: A sign of Windows 95 My wife got a car sun shade at the local Win 95 launch event and on one side it says: I was there at the start. On the other side it says: I need assistance. Please Call Police. = = = = = = = From: wje@netcom.com (William J. Evans) Subject: Windows 95: just add... Organization: better, but not good enough yet An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked, "Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?" The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with Windows 95 _without_ a computer than _with_ one." = = = = = = = From: des@bristol.st.com (David Shepherd) Subject: What you can't get for $12 billion At yesterdays Windows 95 launch event in London after seeing the Bill Gates video addres, Jonathon Ross, who was compere-ing the event, is reported to have told the assembled guests "money can buy you many things, but it does not necessarily buy a decent haircut". = = = = = = = From: azacher@beta.tricity.wsu.edu (Alan H. Zacher) Subject: Win9x: REM Ad themesong After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes, it came to me that it might have been: LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher to the tune of Losing My Religion (Appologies to REM) Windoze is bigger It's bigger than Earth But not quite as big as The things that I must do now To upgrade all my stuff Oh no I need more RAM I set it up That's me in the corner That's me on the help line Losing my connection Trying to keep up with OS/2 And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I need more RAM I haven't bought enough I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you Ping! I think I thought I saw a GPF Every nightmare Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm Purchasing new hardware Trying to cool my CPU Like a Pentium that become a 286 Oh no I need more RAM Resistance is futile. Consider this The OS of the century Consider this The OS that brought me To my knees failed Now all these open apps have Come crashing down Now I need more RAM I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you Ping! I think I thought I saw a GPF But that was just a dream I hope that was a dream... = = = = = = = From: ianb@netcom.com (Ian Barkley-Yeung) Subject: Microsoft I just got a fax from the Microsoft 'fast tips' automatic support line. The banner said, in big, bold letters: MICROSOFT ONE MICROSOFT WAY I though, is that their address -- or their marketing plan? = = = = = = = From: wayne@auspex.com (Wayne Hathaway) Organization: Auspex Systems Subject: About Windows 95 ad campaign It dawned on me yesterday exactly why Microsoft chose "Start Me Up" instead of all the other possible Stones songs: It's the only one with a title short enough to fit in a filename. = = = = = = = From: ashley@netcom.com (mark ashley) Subject: Idiot's Guide to Windows 95 Ads Multitasking You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting ! Built-in Networking You can crash several PC's all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash. Microsoft Network Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized. PnP Plug and Pray (that it works) Multimedia Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software. Increased Productivity You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer ! That's product-ivity. User-Friendly Picture of clouds State of the Art Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art. MacIntosh-like It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original. Online Registration Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the rest of your life. MS Plus More money for Bill's plus side. Optimize It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased Productivity". -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. -- Scott Pogorelc "Sometimes it is hard to tell if you are Fairfax, VA in a groove, or in a rut."