Professor Smith first noticed the errors when his team of researchers were in the process of converting their insect research database from their older 386DX-based machine to their new Pentium 90 system. A data integrity check, run on the Pentium system against the old database, showed a significant discrepancy between the two records. In a nutshell, the research noted that the number of aphids, a plant-sucking member of the Aphidoidea family, tracked in their databases had shown a mysterious increase by almost an order of magnitude. Immediately after making this discovery, Professor Smith had the original database copied over to a variety of Pentium systems in the University in an effort to determine whether or not all Pentium machines might have this same bug. Every Pentium system reported the same erroneous results.
The Iowa researchers contacted their computer manufacturer's support line, and were told that there were no other known bugs in Intel's newest PC processor. Insisting that something was wrong however, Professor Smith was able to obtain the services of the manufacturer's technical support personnel, who instructed him to open the infected machines and physically check the processors for obvious problems. "We were quite shocked to find an entire colony of aphids living inside our computer," Professor Smith remarked after describing the events that followed. After opening the chassis of the computer, literally hundreds of the sluggish insects poured out from the air vents, apparently startled by the upsetting of their home.
"It was a total disaster," Smith exclaimed. "They were crawling everywhere, and within minutes, had eaten all the office plants on the third and fourth floors." The technical support line suggested that Professor Smith contact the computer chip maker, Intel, and report the bugs to them.
Intel has since admitted that there is indeed a problem with bugs in the Pentium processor, and stated in a press release yesterday that they are working closely with Professor Smith in attempting to resolve the problem. A spokesperson for the computer giant also maintained that the bugs were actually detected by Intel engineers in July, just after the rainy season, and that a research group consisting of entomologists and Terminix employees had concluded that the bugs would have "little impact on the population as a whole".
According to Intel, the bugs come from a design flaw in the Pentium Issue Cluster, specifically in the part of the chip responsible for instruction decoding. Apparently, under certain but rare conditions, floating point multiplication instructions (known as FMLT) are misinterpreted as a directive to multiply Homoptera rather than registers, leading to the possibility of geometric growth rates in certain families of insects, which include but are not limited to cicadas, aphids, and a variety of scale insects. "After extensive testing," remarked the Intel spokesperson, "we determined that the problem, though present, does not represent a significant threat to the integrity of the Pentium-based systems." According to Intel's analysts, the buggy FMLT instruction only occurs during periods of warm temperature and high humidity, and only has a 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance of being executed during these conditions. "As a result, we came to the conclusion that the problem was not significant, and would be fixed in our next 'stepping' of the processor."
Several experts nationwide disagree, however, and have stated vocally that Intel's handling of the affair has been "less than insipid". Karl Greene, spokesperson for FTD, was outraged at the discovery of the bugs. "Greenhouses all over the world," he explained, "are within the 'danger zone' 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!" FTD is the Florist Transworld Delivery service, of which thousands of florists world-wide are members. "Only a handful of these instructions could cause a flower shop to lose its entire inventory, overnight. If every florist in the world used Pentium systems to track their inventory, we could witness a botanical disaster of almost Biblical proportions!" Greene feels that Intel is trying to cover up the problem, or at least "push it under the rug" in the hopes that no one will be concerned.
Intel, however, flatly denies any such accusations. "We are not trying to hide anything. We have facts on our side that prove that this issue is of little importance to the casual user, and are taking steps to replace buggy Pentiums in those applications that rely on the FMLT problem during the summer months". Intel has set up an 800 number for people who fear they may be at risk. If your needs are such that a replacement chip is warranted, you will be sent a bug-free version in exchange for the old. Causal users are informed that they are typically not at risk, though unofficially Intel employees have stated that "keeping a bottle of dyazinon next to your desk" might be a good idea.
"The best way out is always through."
--Robert Frost
seagull@netcom.com seagull@jg.cso.uiuc.edu